09/03/2025

I've been sick in bed with a fever all week and feeling delirious. This is the week I would have started classes. My friends have all started their classes. I'm not in school and I don't have a job. Whatever.

Through the brain fog and fatigue I've had moments of clarity. I was looking at L's instagram (bad idea, I know) and I felt some ambiguous emotion that I couldn't quite place. The period of my life that I have the fondest memories of is the time surrounding my senior year of high school. I don't think it's a coincidence that I met L that same year. There was a time I could confidently say we were best friends. Neither of us are the same people we were back then. It's sad, but I've been able to accept it more and more these days. I don't think there will ever be a time where I don't miss them. I miss them even when we're together.

One thing becoming clearer and clearer is that I'm wasting my life. I'm not a teenager anymore, I haven't been one for almost three years. I look at the outside world and I feel this looming dread, the sense of impending doom you get during panic attacks or cardiac arrest. So I look away. Avoidance won't work forever. Eventually I'll realize how much I've been missing. I realize it now, faintly, but not sharp enough to cut through the big cloud of white mold I've surrounded myself in. I need to sharpen it. I need the desire to live to become so urgent that it forces itself through the fear of living. It hasn't happened yet. I think I'll keep waiting for it to happen.

09/02/2025

I've been on the antidepressants for two months now and I still feel terrible. I feel like a walking corpse. I drag myself through each day, eating basically nothing, showering maybe once a week, living in filth. No motivation to make any of it better. I don't even care anymore. I could disappear and nothing would be lost from the world.

I'm so dramatic. There's nothing even wrong with me. I'm perfectly healthy, I have a roof over my head, I have a family that doesn't abuse me and I have friends who at least tolerate me. Those are objective facts. And yet none of it registers. I can't make anything out of it. I look around and I just see my problems. I've convinced myself I have so many problems.

09/01/2025

Here's something creepy I just learned: a few months ago I was in the same house, possibly the same room, as a future school shooter. It was a concert in a well-known house venue in my city. Apparently the shooter had been planning on targeting the venue before eventually deciding there wouldn't be enough kids there, and he couldn't guarantee that no one would be armed. What a fucking psycho. He wrote in his shitty journals that he had been scouting the place out, making maps, figuring out the best course of action to kill as many people as possible. My friends and I were at a concert there on the same night he said he went. And then a few months later he shot at a bunch of little kids at a catholic school. He killed two of them and then blew his own brains out. Good fucking riddance. It's so fucking creepy to know that I was probably only a few feet away from him that night. I don't remember actually seeing him, he was so fucking ugly I definitely would've remembered his face. At least he's dead now.

07/27/2025

I went out to a show last night even though I didn't really want to. It was so fucking hot outside and there were at least 200 people there. The mosh pit wasn't even especially rough but I felt like I was going to pass out. It was so humid I couldn't catch my breath, I was fucking drenched in sweat. I ended up puking in the bathroom and leaving early.

I feel like I'm being tormented. My friends seem to be better friends with each other than with me. I feel distance even when I'm with them. This has been something I've felt in basically all my relationships throughout my life. I know that in this instance, with my current group of friends, my loneliness is my own fault. I've been depressed as shit all year, barely leaving the house. It makes sense they've all grown closer in my absence.

I've always felt like I'm not with the "right people." Even when I like my friends, even when I love them, I feel a distance. I hold grudges.