11/02/2025

Things feel fucking weird. I don't know how to describe it. I went out to a hardcore show on halloween and it was at a venue that I'd only been to once before, and it wasn't a good venue for hardcore. No one was moshing and there were DJ sets between bands and I was sober while my friends were doing ketamine in the other room and I just felt weird. So I got an uber home. But I just kept feeling weird. I always want friends and then I feel resistance when I have them. It doesn't feel real, the way other people's friendships look real to me.

I saw L on Monday, for the first time in a few months probably. I told them everything that happened with A and then we just talked about random shit and it felt pretty normal.

My therapist talked to me about TMS therapy and said I would probably be a good candidate. Which doesn't make me feel great. It's the sort of thing you try when the stuff that helps most people doesn't help you. Two different antidepressants and talk therapy haven't put a dent in my mental illness so I guess now we can try shocking my brain with electromagnets for a few months and see if that does anything for me. Treatment resistant depression, what a fucking joke. I was born with something wrong with my brain and now I have to take pills that barely do anything just so I can get out of bed to eat 500 calories a day and shower once a week. People don’t realize how lucky they are to have a brain that isn’t trying to kill them. I'm so mad I'm not one of them.

10/23/2025

I need to get off the fucking internet. I'm stalking A's twitter because I guess I'm retarded or something and I think I need to just throw my phone in a lake. She's making new friends. Which is fine. But I'm angry. I want her to be upset. Why wouldn't she be upset? All of her friends just cut her off due to her own shitty behavior. She should be upset. But she's making new friends. Who are probably comforting her and taking her side.

This all feels so childish. I'm jealous. That's all this is. I'm jealous that she's moving on and I'm still mad. Seeing her that night at SC freaked me out. Seeing her talking to other people, making connections. I haven't made any connections. She has friends in the scene. I don't. I'm so fucking jealous. It should be me, not her. I'm the one who had to deal with her bullshit and I don't even get the satisfaction of making her feel awkward at shows. Fuck you.

Writing all of this and posting it publicly definitely makes me a bad person. I'm reading this stuff back and thinking, jesus christ you're such an asshole, A wasn't as mean to you as you're being to her right now. But it's how I feel, for now at least. And I need to document my feelings. No one is going to read this shit anyway.

10/20/2025

The way I have been living my life is simply not correct. There's something fundamentally wrong here.

I'm disgusted with myself. Disgusted by eating, by sex, by my friends, by the outside world. It's irrational. I've had these brief moments of clarity and happiness, where the world feels normal and I feel like a human being instead of a cicada shell. But then I come home and I wake up in the morning and the disgust comes right back. I'm making decisions that I can't justify. And then I keep making them.My therapist says it's a good sign that I have opinions on my life at all, as opposed to the complete apathy I felt earlier this year. I was rotting and I didn't care. Now I'm still rotting and I hate it. But nothing has actually changed.

I know there are things I could be doing to make things easier, to make myself more of a person. But I have no momentum. I know that it will be difficult work and I can't even manage the smallest task these days without feeling like I'm going to freak the fuck out. I haven't folded the laundry I did last week. My legs shake walking down the stairs. I think I've atrophied from lack of use.

10/20/2025

Everything has been fucking blowing up in my face these last few days. Huge fight with A ended with her losing basically all of her friends, myself included. I saw her last night at SC, of course she would be there. We like all the same bands. She seemed sad. I would be really fucking sad if I was in her situation. And I still care about her. I feel a pang of guilt knowing that this could have all gone differently. If people had been more communicative, had more productive conversations, if A had a fucking scrap of emotional intelligence and didn't cut everyone off and start acting exactly like how she complained her ex was acting. I know she doesn't want to talk to me, or anyone, but there's a less than zero percent chance that she reads this blog, so here is what I would say to her if I thought she would listen:

You are not a bad person. But you haven't been a very good friend either. I hope you make new friends and can have healthy relationships with them and not repeat any of the actions that led you to where you are now. I also hope you know most of this was preventable. You could have talked to me or J or N or S. None of us wanted to cut you off. We wanted you to get your shit together so we could have a relationship with you that wasn't exhausting. This was all fucking preventable. I hope you know that I'm not the one you hurt most. I'm not the one whose boundaries you most overstepped, even with your bizarre sexual comments and your attempts to embarrass me in front of our friends. But I'm not going to speak for him, and he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

I have nice things to say about you too, of course. I wasn't friends with you for two years just to come out of it with nothing positive to say. But I'm angry right now, and I can't find it in me to be anything but angry at you. Maybe I'll write the nice things later.

10/15/2025

I want to be a different person. I don't want to be the person I am right now. What other choice do I have? I've been the same person my whole life, I'll be the same person forever. There's no escape.

Nothing is ever satisfying to me. I have good things in my life and they just feel hollow. I can't appreciate them. I don't know how to change this, but I need to figure it out soon. I just turned 22, and I only barely felt the year pass by. Everything kept going in my absence. And I can't sit still forever, even though truthfully that's what I would rather do. I have no energy. I have no desire to live. I'm not suicidal. I just am not compelled to participate in the world. It doesn't interest me.

I've had this desire for a really long time, to reset my life. Start over from scratch and make all the right decisions. Meet new people who never knew my previous selves. It's a bit like suicide, I guess. Completely destroying my current persona, killing him, burying him so deep I won't even be able to remember him. I don't want him to embarrass me anymore.

10/13/2025

I'm on new medication and I can't tell if it's helping. In some ways I feel like I have more mental clarity than before. In other ways I feel the opposite. I'm fucking stressed out.

I'm mad at A. Not even mad. I just feel so weird. I get in these situations with friend groups where I see past whatever veneer of coolness I thought these people had and I see all their flaws and it just disgusts me. I don't like N's avoidance or C's constant horniness or J's sexual advances or A's fucking reckless insensitivity. I feel like I need to make new friends. Not even abandon these friends, just have more connections to human society than like five people who I don't even know if I like.

It reminds me of the situation with W two years ago where I had been overlooking mistreatment and bad influence for the sake of not being alone. And I'm wondering if A was right when she said I was only going for C because I'm desperate and inexperienced. We are definitely not compatible. We're not very similar at all. I just think she's hot and she's one of the first people to show interest in me in a way that doesn't feel like a fetish. But I think the real problem is just that I don't like myself. I don't have high enough standards because I don't believe that I deserve it.

09/03/2025

I've been sick in bed with a fever all week and feeling delirious. This is the week I would have started classes. My friends have all started their classes. I'm not in school and I don't have a job. Whatever.

Through the brain fog and fatigue I've had moments of clarity. I was looking at L's instagram (bad idea, I know) and I felt some ambiguous emotion that I couldn't quite place. The period of my life that I have the fondest memories of is the time surrounding my senior year of high school. I don't think it's a coincidence that I met L that same year. There was a time I could confidently say we were best friends. Neither of us are the same people we were back then. It's sad, but I've been able to accept it more and more these days. I don't think there will ever be a time where I don't miss them. I miss them even when we're together.

One thing becoming clearer and clearer is that I'm wasting my life. I'm not a teenager anymore, I haven't been one for almost three years. I look at the outside world and I feel this looming dread, the sense of impending doom you get during panic attacks or cardiac arrest. So I look away. Avoidance won't work forever. Eventually I'll realize how much I've been missing. I realize it now, faintly, but not sharp enough to cut through the big cloud of white mold I've surrounded myself in. I need to sharpen it. I need the desire to live to become so urgent that it forces itself through the fear of living. It hasn't happened yet. I think I'll keep waiting for it to happen.

09/02/2025

I've been on the antidepressants for two months now and I still feel terrible. I feel like a walking corpse. I drag myself through each day, eating basically nothing, showering maybe once a week, living in filth. No motivation to make any of it better. I don't even care anymore. I could disappear and nothing would be lost from the world.

I'm so dramatic. There's nothing even wrong with me. I'm perfectly healthy, I have a roof over my head, I have a family that doesn't abuse me and I have friends who at least tolerate me. Those are objective facts. And yet none of it registers. I can't make anything out of it. I look around and I just see my problems. I've convinced myself I have so many problems.

07/27/2025

I went out to a show last night even though I didn't really want to. It was so fucking hot outside and there were at least 200 people there. The mosh pit wasn't even especially rough but I felt like I was going to pass out. It was so humid I couldn't catch my breath, I was fucking drenched in sweat. I ended up puking in the bathroom and leaving early.

I feel like I'm being tormented. My friends seem to be better friends with each other than with me. I feel distance even when I'm with them. This has been something I've felt in basically all my relationships throughout my life. I know that in this instance, with my current group of friends, my loneliness is my own fault. I've been depressed as shit all year, barely leaving the house. It makes sense they've all grown closer in my absence.

I've always felt like I'm not with the "right people." Even when I like my friends, even when I love them, I feel a distance. I hold grudges.