10/13/2025

I'm on new medication and I can't tell if it's helping. In some ways I feel like I have more mental clarity than before. In other ways I feel the opposite. I'm fucking stressed out.

I'm mad at A. Not even mad. I just feel so weird. I get in these situations with friend groups where I see past whatever veneer of coolness I thought these people had and I see all their flaws and it just disgusts me. I don't like N's avoidance or C's constant horniness or J's sexual advances or A's fucking reckless insensitivity. I feel like I need to make new friends. Not even abandon these friends, just have more connections to human society than like five people who I don't even know if I like.

It reminds me of the situation with W two years ago where I had been overlooking mistreatment and bad influence for the sake of not being alone. And I'm wondering if A was right when she said I was only going for C because I'm desperate and inexperienced. We are definitely not compatible. We're not very similar at all. I just think she's hot and she's one of the first people to show interest in me in a way that doesn't feel like a fetish. But I think the real problem is just that I don't like myself. I don't have high enough standards because I don't believe that I deserve it.

09/03/2025

I've been sick in bed with a fever all week and feeling delirious. This is the week I would have started classes. My friends have all started their classes. I'm not in school and I don't have a job. Whatever.

Through the brain fog and fatigue I've had moments of clarity. I was looking at L's instagram (bad idea, I know) and I felt some ambiguous emotion that I couldn't quite place. The period of my life that I have the fondest memories of is the time surrounding my senior year of high school. I don't think it's a coincidence that I met L that same year. There was a time I could confidently say we were best friends. Neither of us are the same people we were back then. It's sad, but I've been able to accept it more and more these days. I don't think there will ever be a time where I don't miss them. I miss them even when we're together.

One thing becoming clearer and clearer is that I'm wasting my life. I'm not a teenager anymore, I haven't been one for almost three years. I look at the outside world and I feel this looming dread, the sense of impending doom you get during panic attacks or cardiac arrest. So I look away. Avoidance won't work forever. Eventually I'll realize how much I've been missing. I realize it now, faintly, but not sharp enough to cut through the big cloud of white mold I've surrounded myself in. I need to sharpen it. I need the desire to live to become so urgent that it forces itself through the fear of living. It hasn't happened yet. I think I'll keep waiting for it to happen.

09/02/2025

I've been on the antidepressants for two months now and I still feel terrible. I feel like a walking corpse. I drag myself through each day, eating basically nothing, showering maybe once a week, living in filth. No motivation to make any of it better. I don't even care anymore. I could disappear and nothing would be lost from the world.

I'm so dramatic. There's nothing even wrong with me. I'm perfectly healthy, I have a roof over my head, I have a family that doesn't abuse me and I have friends who at least tolerate me. Those are objective facts. And yet none of it registers. I can't make anything out of it. I look around and I just see my problems. I've convinced myself I have so many problems.

07/27/2025

I went out to a show last night even though I didn't really want to. It was so fucking hot outside and there were at least 200 people there. The mosh pit wasn't even especially rough but I felt like I was going to pass out. It was so humid I couldn't catch my breath, I was fucking drenched in sweat. I ended up puking in the bathroom and leaving early.

I feel like I'm being tormented. My friends seem to be better friends with each other than with me. I feel distance even when I'm with them. This has been something I've felt in basically all my relationships throughout my life. I know that in this instance, with my current group of friends, my loneliness is my own fault. I've been depressed as shit all year, barely leaving the house. It makes sense they've all grown closer in my absence.

I've always felt like I'm not with the "right people." Even when I like my friends, even when I love them, I feel a distance. I hold grudges.